How It Feels To Be An Infertile Man

I never assumed my fertility was anything less than normal. Of course, I was aware that problems with sperm count meant that it would be harder to get pregnant but given the more complicated nature of the female reproductive system, I wrongly assumed if there was an issue it would be something female. Like a broken down car, it's rarely something visible. I've always been able to see my reproductive system and everything seemed to be in working order.

Before finding out, my only understanding of male infertility came from film and TV where a character would be given the information and it would all be described as incredibly rare. I don’t even remember which films or TV, it wasn’t anything that really stood out to me.

The doctor revealed the stats of my floundering sperm with perfect stoicism. Given the doc was a bloke I was a bit surprised that he didn't offer any sympathy. This news was huge to me, still is, yet no one has put a hand on my shoulder to ask if I'm ok. Never. Not that it would change anything.

I'd rather just have people take male infertility seriously, if only to unburden female responsibility in male factor cases.

Which brings me to the second stage of grief- anger. I was so angry at myself for making my wife go through so much and still am to a degree, 5 years on. Angry at myself, the medical industry, the media. Why hadn’t enough been done to improve the situation for men like me? Why on earth are all the doctors, consultants and other experts not interested in fixing the problem- me? See my blog on why male infertility is a growing problem and why no one cares.

My wife received a glowing report of her own fertility every time she was assessed, the many times she had to undergo scans and procedures. I was happy for her, truly, and a bit jealous and still angry that she found herself in another medical facility because of me.

I’ve never been good at articulating my emotions or even understanding them, which didn’t help. It was a challenging time for our relationship. Luckily for me, my wife is both flawlessly fertile and patient.

I mentioned in another blog that I did follow up on my own research and a scan displayed a particularly nasty varicocele. Of course, the doctor just said that surgery wasn’t worth the risk for a solution that wasn’t guaranteed, especially as we were currently undergoing IVF. “that is the solution to your problem”, I remember him saying.

That was and still is simply not good enough. I wanted to find all the possible solutions I could, there must be something I can do to help?! It’s a contributing factor in me creating this website. I want to help others to help themselves and get to grips with infertility if, like me, they find themselves shocked at first and on the path of grief. I don’t think I was ever depressed, thankfully. I have now fully accepted my situation, thanks to perspective and good fortune in ART (assisted reproductive therapy) working out for me.

To summarise the above, it feels crap. Lonely at times, crushing when things don’t work out, especially when loved ones go through bad experiences because of it.

I am lucky though and always had in the back of my head the perspective that I do produce some sperm and there are procedures that can help me to conceive.