Miscarriage

Nobody wants to talk about it but that doesn’t mean nobody should hear about it. This is just one experience, mine.

It's well documented that miscarriage is one of the most upsetting experiences one can go through. About 1/3 to 1/2 of all pregnancies end in miscarriage before a person misses a menstrual period or even knows they are pregnant.

About 10 to 20% of people who know they are pregnant will miscarry.

We knew. We had already tried IVF a couple of times but this was the first time the embryo "stuck" (crude term meaning attach to the lining of the womb successfully and continue developing). We were so excited that we organised and paid for extra scans, this one was a final check before telling friends and family at around 10 weeks. The scanner told us straight away, "I'm sorry, there's no heartbeat". I can still feel the devastating affect it had on me as I write. My wife immediately sobbed, I tried desperately to keep it together, for her. Procedures followed, including more scanning once we had been given a moment to digest the crushing news.

Missed miscarriage.

The sack had not realised the precious cargo was no longer alive so it was still growing, giving my wife physical and hormonal signs that she was still carrying a healthy, growing foetus.

I finally broke down after settling my wife at home and taking myself off to tell my mum. I hardly got the words out before sobbing down the phone. My poor wife. She had been through so much to get this far, because of me. All because of me.

At no point did I blame myself for the miscarriage, I was conscious enough to know that would be insane. But I did blame myself for putting my wife through so much, perhaps unfair but probably true. From that moment on I woke to my wife silently weeping, it went on for months. Even now, a few years later, she talks about "the girl". I cried a few times a day, always to myself, except once to a mate when I had too much to drink. I regret that.

After surgery, we were given the option of sending the foetus off for analysis. This seemed beneficial for the potential understanding of causes and likelihood of it happening again. Genetic coding issues, likely to do with my sperm's DNA. Fine, we'll start another cycle with a different clinic, a better one. The detailed analysis also gave the gender. Better for patients not to know, in my opinion.

You never stop thinking about it. I don't want to talk about it but realise the hidden benefits of doing so. It's not a subject I bring up, only if someone mentions miscarriages generally or my wife brings it up, very rarely now. What if people did talk about it more? It would probably help. I have nothing more to say on the matter but hearing others' stories will undoubtedly help. I know others who have suffered far worse in terms of weeks along and recurrences. Selfishly, it helps to give me perspective. At the end of the day, my wife actually lived through it, she suffered physical pain, hormonal instability and loss like no other. I can never protect her from this, just be there to share some of the pain.